Exhausted

I'm so worn out!! I've done nothing but run around for these past two days. But I've been having a lot of fun. Definitely surely, the roads here are much more stressful to drive on than the one's back at home. I miss everyone there...HAHA NOT.
This city is fucking great.

I feel elated

just three more days...and then I  can be out of here..and I can see Bryce almost everyday. I say almost because I'm moving in with my sister and she lives...kinda far from him lol. But yeah these are my last days !! ah I can't wait.

I"ve contained myself for the most part. I need to stop putting myself down. I can't tell others to believe in themselves when I can't even think of myself in that aspect. I need to stay true to myself, as much as I can. The reality is so much harsher than it seems...I wonder if someone could spit on me at this exact moment.

I'm being tested to the very highest degree at this point.
I must stay true to myself and concentrate.
I can't make a wrong move otherwise I'll shun myself for life.

Everything will be okay.
Caffeine makes everything more complicated. And shakey.

Also, if you think reading my blog posts will help you get to know me more then you are right but very sad. Very sad that you can't just talk to me about these issues directly rather than thinking that reading my posts is enough.

God but honestly I"m looking at my blog posts right now and I just seem like a sad sap lol. But hey! that's okay, I've been going through a somewhat rough time. Already though I feel like things are turning up. They're just gonna get better!!!

Okay okay...so basically I'm so razzled up right now

Everyone that I live with at home right now, my good friend, my ex boyfriend, my mom
they all think that me moving out to Vegas is like some desperate attempt to not be lonely or some shit
or like I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing
or like I'm not old enough to make my own decisions for myself
ooorrr like the fact that I'm basically fucking up my life

In reality, these people might be thinking that they're speaking "the truth" but honestly looking at all of their lives personally, they're all very afraid people in their walks of life. And It's bothering me hardcore that they're just like "Jess I just don't understand why you're doing this"

WHO THE FUCK CARES, IT'S MY DECISION AND WHY DOES IT EVEN INVOLVE YOU SECOND GUESSING THEM OR THINKING THAT YOU KNOW WHAT'S BETTER FOR ME, OR WHAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPIER


I understand where they're coming from. They care for me and they want the best for me. That's very nice and honestly I'd probably look out for one of them too. HOWEVER, I wouldn't make them feel bad or tell them how they live their lives if they decided to open up to me about their issues.

Several years ago, my life was shaken up on my own accord. I ran away from home twice and I was just doing some really dumb shit. Honestly, I'm so grateful for this big fuckup in my life because it taught me to take things more seriously and love and respect myself more. Since then my life has gotten significantly better. And though my last relationship was very rocky and all and I've still done some fucked up shit, I've grown. I can't say that everything in my life is perfect because it's not. But I hate hate hate how one of my good friends could even have the gall to say that my life has gone "downhill" since my phase.

Just
Please,
STOP

Why must it be you who gets to judge me and my life??? If you're so upset with the decisions I"m making then why don't you just say "TO HELL WITH HER" and get on with your life...why WHY do you have to include your unnecessary opinions in a decision that I've already made and am going through with.

It's just very contrasting, because the people that I'll live around more often don't have a bad thing to say to me. And maybe I have it all wrong and secretly everyone thinks that me moving is absolutely nuts but whatever, I really don't mind. I think that moving will make me very happy and I'm so excited to start my life with a really great person. And I just don't understand why people need to treat me like this...as though I'm so strange or just have everything all wrong.

I don't know, me ranting doesn't help any...and even while writing this I can agree that yeah I"m making some huge crazy decision but it's not a mistake and it won't be something I regret. I'm moving forward with this and those who are in my life that feel all sour about it just need to accept it. 

God I am honestly the worst piece of shit ever. I can't believe I ...ugh
What is wrong with me, seriously...?
I'm so fucking stupid.

Oh my god let me just add to the fact that for no reason I feel like complete shit and I blame it on homework.

Things are moving, alright!

So it turns out that I got the job I was applying for in Vegas. I'm so happy that I'll have at least something that I can lean on financially when I'm over there. I've also pretty much told my mom that I was moving out...her response was more along the lines of "well don't ever think about moving back in". I still don't know how to feel about this. I'll eventually figure it out. Sigh I guess that's about it.

Several things I will do

• Be positive
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Holy fuck I can't sleep

I swear to God if my car breaks down on the way to Vegas or somehow I don't get there then I'll know that it's a sign for something. But I won't give up so easily! I just HAVE to get there with more than enough time for my interview. And I'm so confident in myself, I mean work really helps me out a lot. I learn so much about what it's really all about to have a job. I just neeeed dthehe chaaaancee eplllssss donnnn't leeet meee dowwwnn..

GAHH I'm going crazy, though. I couldn't even sleep for a full 6 hours cause of my excitement keeping me up :3 Anyways, wish me luck! Or, wish for my car to break down in the middle of the road where I have no signal. God will really be laughing at me then. hahahahHAHA. That's hilarious.

The entirety of this album-

Hikaru Utada's "First Love" album just makes me so sad. I listened to this extensively like two years ago after being really heartbroken. This shit brought me through those times. And I would sing along all the time and I felt stronger after memorizing the Japanese and all. Man, this just brings me back to that time and place. I even smell and taste what it was like back then, living in that older house.

Also something inspired me today..

Today in my drawing and composition class we had to have the teacher review our drawing portfolios. She looked at mine and asked questions such as "how do you think  you've grown in  your drawings" and "Which of your drawings so far is your favorite/least favorite". I really enjoyed taking this class and if anything it inspired me to work on my art style more. I'm not terribly horrible, but some of the stuff I've made makes me proud and happy of what I can do. Even if it's not much. Anyway, I saw this cute video of a kitten enjoying itself in a little warm water bath. It was the cutest thing ever. I'm going to keep trying to draw this scene to make it look more cute but I drew this just a couple of minutes ago.

Yeah my drawings are super beginner style but if I keep working I know I'll get better. Anyways, have a nice day ~

Everything will just float on from here- or will it?

I've made one of the biggest decisions in my life so far by putting my two weeks in at my current job. I've been at this job for almost 3 years now and if you knew me well enough, you'd know that I  definitely ignored the risk and took the chance. See, I've always defaulted on having this job because it's been the only way that I know how to stay normal. I've been able to live off this job and for the past three years I've been depending on it. Before I couldn't fathom leaving it because it's really important to me that I depend less and less on others and more on myself. However, I've been convinced lately that a little help may not hurt so bad. In this sense, I could look past the risk and see myself happier down the road. It's so scary and in a ways I'm very stressed out, but at the same time I've never known a feeling like this. I feel like now that I won't have a job, (though there is a new job I hope to get that I have an interview for this week) I have to potential to live any way I'd like. At least until the money runs out lol. But I feel like this could push me towards something new, something better. And that in itself makes this all worth it. Now, I am just very worried currently about posting a few weeks in the future dreading this decision. But now that I've made it a point, I'll probably just avoid this situation at all costs, and make sure that I never have to feel such a way. I need this new job I might get. I mean, it'll be a different change of pace than what I'm used to. And what I'm used to is ...chaos -_- But I think I can do this new change!! I mean...it's retail and I've always wanted to get into that job field. I know I can adjust. I just need to be given the chance to prove myself!!

Waking up is hard sometimes

and today for no no no reason at all I woke up feeling poopy. I better not be at it again. I wish it weren't women who are known to want to talk about their feelings a lot. It makes me feel like I should just shut up and not say anything at all or just keep everything inside. But then I realize that I just can't do that and I'm like "well I guess it's cause I really am a woman" and then I hate myself. Blah blah blah stupid words. I need to try and get rid of all this bad energy. Startiiiinggg now as I commence the whole musics of Kings of Convenience.

I never post OOTDS!!!

And Careless day (the wonderful Tash) posts a lot of them. I've been truly inspired by her to display myself in that sense (thanks Tash c;)

 

Socks c: Um I'd name where I got everything but I really don't remember...heh..

 

My purity ring T-shirt. Got the bag at sanrio yay 

Okay these are actually literally the only one's I've taken lately. So I'll start taking more pretty soon. I've seen that my blog gets a lot of views so that's pretty cool thanks! I'll try and fill this thing up more.

adios

 

 

Sea and cake

It's a beautiful thing to be up this late. I wish I could just only be awake in the nighttime. It's so exhausting to be awake during the day. The sun makes me tired. The heat makes me tired. I wonder if moving to a rainy place like Oregon would help this. Probably not. I think my fatigue has more to do with my diet than anything else. It seems as though after eating certain foods I just want to take the longest naps. I'm not sure. But I do need to stay active if I want to feel good physically again.

Goodnight ~

Stressy stressy nu nu!!

HAHA it's funny but I'm very unmotivated right now to do homework or anything!!
How can I concentrate on this shit when I'm about to quit my job soon and leave the state to live with my dreamy boyfriend??
Like how do you expect me to do this. I kind of don't even want to go to school anymore! I had a dream about becoming a registered nurse and all but now I just want to live a happy life and start a family (in a few years or so)
I'm sure my opinions will change overtime and I'll wanna enroll myself into school once again. For the time being, though, I would rather focus on my personal life.
also/p.s.  fuck my current job