Ugh

I just made french toast for the first time in forevs.

I deleted my tumblr

and it has been pretty much no big deal since.


I used to spend like 1-2 hours a day every other day on it and I would literally WASTE that time just doing nothing. I can't believe the time I've dedicated myself to ridiculous unproductive crap like that my whole life. And I guess the next question to ask would be "well what else am I going to do with my time?". I honestly think pigging out watching tv/movies is way more entertaining then scrolling down your dashboard on a day where there's NOTHING funny or interesting, and it's all just annoying crap that you can't stop thinking about how much it bothers you. haha.

Yeah, it was getting kind of tiresome to say the least. But yay! I"m so happy I did that...I feel like with the time I have when I"m alone, I usually clean or just find new recipes to cook. I think that's a lot more productive than how I've been before.

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. I love working random shifts at other stores. It makes life feel like, surprising and shit.

But now I am so tired and my bones ache. So I need to relax myself. I just had the really big urge to write in here. I mean after all it's my blog and I can do whatever the heck I please.

Also I signed up to volunteer at an event next week. I can't wait.


Ta ta

I have really changed since I started this old blog. I'm a lot more realistic about life and all. Not saying that it means that I'm not having anymore fun...but I'm just trying to come to the realization that life isn't just going to hand me things all the time. I have to actually reach out and touch something. 

I keep reading my old posts and wondering why it feels like I just talked a lot of bull and didn't actually do anything I had hoped for. It's like I don't actually even know myself. But I guess that's okay. I'm not a genius, nor do I know everything about myself. Not now or ever before. Haha, I think there will always be a lot of stuff about myself that I don't know. 

Lately I've been feeling extreme lonliness and somewhat of a melancholic feeling outside of my brief social life. When I'm alone, I still find pleasure in small things that I do by myself. But lately I've felt that everything I do is useless, and a waste. I don't like this feeling but it just seems that everything right now is meaningless to me. I would rather be the type of person who has extreme feelings for everything, even those that seem useless. But for some reason I can't become excited about anything anymore. Whether it's the thought of going out, being with my boyfriend, or even eating. 

It's funny how sometimes when I wonder if this stage in my life is useless too. But I think at some point I'll be over this..maybe. 

Sometimes I have glimmers of excitement when I think about doing certain things. Like, real excitement that I feel in my brain and heart at the same time. And I instantly want to go do that thing. 

Anyways, in order to cure my loneliness and this sad state i'm in, I've decided to reach out more. There's only one other way to meet people, and I've been doing it wrong this whole time. 

Volunteering and joining meet up groups I think will help with this. I'm going to try this out. I've also started to reconsider what I consider "goals" for myself, and whether they are truly something of passion or just "for the moment bullshit". We'll see.

Maybe my life being a constant "schedule" is what's making me so dull for life. 

Oh and btw, I don't look for cute stuff anymore :[

I hate to think of this...but I might have grown out of it. I'm more interested in movies and fashion now. I hate it. Well, not really, but kind of. I mean there might still be hope for my continuous "kawaii" plushie collection but I'm really not sure. At least I still would sort of go to japan if I were given the chance.

Am I brainwashed?