*throwing up noises*

hi my name is stupid and I'm reminded each day how many more psychological problems I have than previously thouhgt.

I think I'm just going to forget my list of things to do and just hide under the covers all weekend.
That sounds like a great plan.

This weekend should be fairly nice!

I'm working throughout, but hopefully I can get to things like

• cleaning my room the way mom wants it lol
• finishing up my homework...which will take me more than the weekend to do
• hopefully play disgea and level up a few times
• make time to make myself food instead of wasting money on buying it
• research how the fuck do a supply and demand curve make some sense
• dentist appointment -_-

Annndd Bryce won't be available very much 
But I'll try to survive.
I GOT THIS.

Oh yeah and this is my current desktop wallpaper:

idk I think we make the cutest couple

Sometimes I just really think it'd be easier if I met my boyfriend where I live, er whatever.
Cause it's really hard when I know that he's there sometimes when I want to talk to him but not being able to look forward to see him everyday is just so frustrating and hard. And I end up feeling really lonely because I just feel like I'm missing out on being with him in person. and then it just makes me really sad. Idk. Today has just been a really weird day. Walking around the campus alone makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel very alone. Especially lately.

Back to reality

So this weekend I was able to fulfill my own wish and see Bryce.

Needless to say it was so much fun. I feel so happy with him..especially being next to him and kissing him.

It's funny because my boss (whom I really dislike) was able to make this happen for me. So it's just really weird because I'm grateful but at the same time I still dislike her because she's the worst boss ever and she still tries to be my friend only when it's convenient for her, but then is able to disown me as her employee when it's also convenient.
And I was hit hard with the two forms of treatment when I went back to work yesterday. That lady isn't ever gonna be happy and I feel like as long as I work for her I'm just gonna worry about doing my best (even though she doesn't deserve my best) no matter what.

So I'm just kind of stressed about that and I really want to leave that place already. I'm sure any other new job will be just as bad at some point, but at least it won't be with a person that tries to be my friend while yelling at me for stupid shit.

Also, Bryce's parents are offering me to stay with them...and idk I really want to do it but I'm also just kind of confused about what I'm going to do with my schooling now. So everything is really up in the air.
But if I got the opportunity, I would love to live with him and go to school and work. That would make my life so much better. I think I would really branch out (as a person) cause I wouldn't be so afraid of what my mom would think.
Yeah. my life is just sort of "blah" at the moment. But this weekend definitely made up for it. Even though I'm suffering like always from being away from Bryce. Gah he's just so cute idk what to do with myself.
I need to start my day already

It's been forever since I've even felt like writing anything. Mostly because when I'm going through stuff I usually just don't have the energy to even express myself.

Each day has its ups and downs. I don't always feel positive (like I've been striving to be) but in the end I usually just try my best to look forward to each day.

But today is Valentines day!! and even though Bryce and I ...can't really celebrate it..I guess we're like whatever you know what i don't even know but it's valentines so yeah.

HOPEFULLY though I can drive to Las Vegas to see him IF I get money this weekend. I'm soooo excited I really hope I'm able to do it.

IN OTHER NEWS this is what's been happening to me lately:

-I've already skipped two classes (I'm such a bad girl mraw)
-I got a new phone!
-Getting my new phone made me broke!
-I filed my taxes
-I've been drinking coffee in the early evenings instead of morning now
- oh yeah, and I got an interview at this fast food place I applied at so my horror days at work MIGHT be over.

Yeah, so not a lot, but I've noticed more and more viewers have been going on my page whaat am I pops (poopular)???

I'm really really sick of being upset and sad over really small things.

It's harder to stay positive when my heart just aches all the time.

I've said it before but I just need to stop blaming other things for my own "unhappiness" I'm the only one who has control over that, and to give it up to material things was not the right way to go.

I've gotten so lazy over the past couple of months and just really dependent on other things.
Even my boyfriend. And it's just not working out well for me like that. I keep putting these really dumb expectations up and I don't even realize what I'm doing until I think about how he's his own person and how he is capable of making his own decisions and all that but when it comes down to it, he really does love me and that's all that there is to it. And me just expecting people to read my mind is only contributing to my "sadness".
I've sort of given up on giving myself a gameplan er whatever. It doesn't really work that way anymore for some reason?? Because if I don't succeed I just

get down on myself and hate myself for saying things I couldn't hold up to.

I've become very less of a person these recent times. I'm unhappy with the results of my laziness.

It's definitely brought me down to lower lows than I remembered I could acheive.

Jesus what am I talkinga bout it's 2 am I should be in bed...with bryce..happpy 

I've noticed lately

That a lot of the people I talk to are really negative.

And I think that it's really  had an effect on me because I've been catching myself getting like that too.

Today I almost got upset over something really dumb and I tried to stop myself and just think positively and I thought to myself "I haven't said something positive like that to myself in a really long time" and idk it really made me think of how easily influenced I am. I really dislike it.

I'm gonna have to start pushing good thoughts in my head from now on and just ignore anything that's bad or makes me upset c:

Hooray!

Today has been a good day so far!


I'm not so sure why. I think school is just nice because my classes are easy to follow.
BUT BUT also I'm just excited for the future cause I have some money I'm gonna save and as soon as I get my tax refund I'm gonna put it towards my credit card and that'll basically relieve me of my huge payments. SO that'll let me save even more money and get my car fixed and when I do that I can see bryce all I want.

Also I have COFFEE and I'm doing homework right now so I'm basically just really happy in general and excited.

also also later on I'm going with my friend to eat olive garden and watch movies and fuvk that's gonna be fun and delicious

ahh

...
That's the sound of me feeling really relieved

And hoping the best for the future
and candles relaxing me as I study
and me figuring out a lot of things last night
and having enough time to do all the shit I gotta get done today

yes yes a new day brought gifts of hope yes yes 

AHHHH
I just feel really confused sometimes about my feelings and why I like to push people away so much and why I act really childish sometimes when at OTHER times I try to project myself as being MATURE or something.
And I'm really just

not.

I just can't clear my head no matter what I do. I'm not sure of what I want anymore. I'm only sure that I'm completely unsure.

Also...

I went candle shopping yesterday!

I kind of already used some of them up already but they're really nice.

It's been so long since I've posted!

But in the days I wasn't posting I was dealing with..

• School starting
• My computer breaking down on me
• Deleting everything from my computer so that I could completely restore it
• Working every single day 
• Being broke
• Not being broke by getting money from school
• Being broke again cause I had to put a lot of that money towards credit card
• Trying to control my "sex drive" 
• Confusing feelings about things

So yeah this week wasn't all too great but I love all of my classes cause my teachers actually teach relevant info and take roll and make me feel like I might learn something.
Also I have a lot of homework but it's the good kind of homework where I know exactly what to do.

Anyway, I'm gonna try really hard to keep my head up next week because yeah I've been acting like a poop head and I need to stop worrying about being poopy in the future and stuff.