guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. work.

I am so siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick of woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooork

Buying new things like clothes and painting my nails definitely helps me feel better about everything.

We are just in limbo right now and I hate this imbalance. I don't think I can stand this for much longer. 

I feel so sad.

So incredibly sad. I want to shut the whole world out and just cry myself to sleep. I Mean, that sounds really boring yeah but... faking a smile and talking about nothing just makes me feel even more like hiding and empty inside. sigh- this is just the start.

It's been such a crappy week for me.

Relationship crap- I don't even feel like explaining. I am just about done with that right now.

Work crap- I'm stressing out so bad that I'm breaking out all over

Home crap- My sister is going through a break up with her ex and he still lives with us, so it's just such a tense environment.

Sigh- I really hope things will resolve themselves. Oh well, at least I've been making more friends at work..one in particular. Her and I have hung out a couple of times and we have really hit it off. So I finally have someone else other than Mike to talk to.

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

EEp,

I was reading "red flags to look for in your relationship" kind of article...
I have like 3 of the things they described as a red flag in my relationship. But I still blame it mostly on the fact that I've been with so many guys throughout my whole friken life.

It's so bad, and the number of guys I've dated is so high, that there are times where I'll remember a certain guy I used to talk to, and then I can't believe that there's still more. UHJ

I don't really know if my relationship right now is going to be lifelong, because I'm beginning to realize that he is also depressed, which is something I've always dealt with in my boyfriends. I think that I have set low standards for myself and I am very done with this. At least, though, my current boyfriend isn't completely hopeless.

I woke up so warm this morning. Next to him. His legs always feel so good and when he's sleeping he gets this lazy, deep voice. It makes me wanna cuddle with him even more. I love mornings like this.

I got paid today, so it gave me something else to be excited about.

I'm still buying clothes!! I need to be saving up for our camping trip. After I buy this adorable dress today, it's going to be my last purchase.


I've been hanging out with co-workers, despite all this time not wanting to. But I figured that it can't really hurt cause my job is not super duper professional and I should be allowed to have fun. I want to loosen up on that a bit. But not lose my hard work ethic. I mean, if I keep up my good work, I can be my own store manager when the opportunity arises. At least, that's what my boss says. It just seems so easy to move up in this company. Everyone quits at a moment's notice and they usually need people like on the fly. It's happened before with the location I'm at, it could happen at another one c:

Anyway, that's pretty much it. I bailed on my volunteering opportunity. I got really nervous and doubtful. I'm still really mad at myself. But at least I'm meeting more people by just being really outgoing when I'm out of the house.

Bye! <3

I have tons and tons of clothes

I'm going to grow up later on and realize that I've wasted so oo much money lmao. Jk. Ever since I"ve worked in retail though, it's hard not to look at other girls' amazing fashion sense for visual inspiration and not be like "WOW I NEED NEW STUFF RIGHT NOW". It's really helped me though I think, with my job and all. I mean now I can dress people up no problem and anazlyze other girls' body issues and tell them what kind of clothes they should buy based on their body types. idk it's kind of cool I think. But I could be getting paid way more to give this kind of advice
So I might make it my goal to do so, we'll see. It would be nice to make 60% commision or something for being somewhat of a fashion expert.

Anyways, life has been kind of cool these past couple of days. I haven't really felt all that dull this week. Probably because Mike and I are planning a trip to go camping on the beach. This will be my first ever vacation with a guy and I'm really excited. Not just to be with a guy but with Mike I feel like we kind of have this connection to where we dont' have to talk about pointless crap all the time in order to pass the time. I feel like everytime I go on vacation with family or friends, we always end up talking through the moments. I get tired of using my voice all the time to say pointless shit. And Mike and I are really getting to know each other. Like the other day he was making dinner and there was just this great silence between us. I still don't wanna end up like one of those couples though that just don't say anything at all. There's so much that each and every one of us has to say, and sometimes it's worth it to open our mouths and sometimes it's not. How can you go living with a person though, that you absolutely never say what you would like to say? I feel as if older couples go through their relationships almost as if they are living on opposite ends of a glass wall. Never being able to express their emotions properly. It's as if they are caged in and cannot break free. That is a waste, imo. Even though silences are great, going through your entire life never saying a word to the person you care about is torture.

However...I really don't know what goes on through those people's heads, so I can't say for sure. Based on my assumptions though, they look soo boring! I guess I'll never know until I'm 50 or whatever.

Anyways,

I'm volunteering at First Friday tonight. Hopefully after this I'll have the confidence to do more volunteering opportunities. Yay!

Ugh

I just made french toast for the first time in forevs.

I deleted my tumblr

and it has been pretty much no big deal since.


I used to spend like 1-2 hours a day every other day on it and I would literally WASTE that time just doing nothing. I can't believe the time I've dedicated myself to ridiculous unproductive crap like that my whole life. And I guess the next question to ask would be "well what else am I going to do with my time?". I honestly think pigging out watching tv/movies is way more entertaining then scrolling down your dashboard on a day where there's NOTHING funny or interesting, and it's all just annoying crap that you can't stop thinking about how much it bothers you. haha.

Yeah, it was getting kind of tiresome to say the least. But yay! I"m so happy I did that...I feel like with the time I have when I"m alone, I usually clean or just find new recipes to cook. I think that's a lot more productive than how I've been before.

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. I love working random shifts at other stores. It makes life feel like, surprising and shit.

But now I am so tired and my bones ache. So I need to relax myself. I just had the really big urge to write in here. I mean after all it's my blog and I can do whatever the heck I please.

Also I signed up to volunteer at an event next week. I can't wait.


Ta ta

I have really changed since I started this old blog. I'm a lot more realistic about life and all. Not saying that it means that I'm not having anymore fun...but I'm just trying to come to the realization that life isn't just going to hand me things all the time. I have to actually reach out and touch something. 

I keep reading my old posts and wondering why it feels like I just talked a lot of bull and didn't actually do anything I had hoped for. It's like I don't actually even know myself. But I guess that's okay. I'm not a genius, nor do I know everything about myself. Not now or ever before. Haha, I think there will always be a lot of stuff about myself that I don't know. 

Lately I've been feeling extreme lonliness and somewhat of a melancholic feeling outside of my brief social life. When I'm alone, I still find pleasure in small things that I do by myself. But lately I've felt that everything I do is useless, and a waste. I don't like this feeling but it just seems that everything right now is meaningless to me. I would rather be the type of person who has extreme feelings for everything, even those that seem useless. But for some reason I can't become excited about anything anymore. Whether it's the thought of going out, being with my boyfriend, or even eating. 

It's funny how sometimes when I wonder if this stage in my life is useless too. But I think at some point I'll be over this..maybe. 

Sometimes I have glimmers of excitement when I think about doing certain things. Like, real excitement that I feel in my brain and heart at the same time. And I instantly want to go do that thing. 

Anyways, in order to cure my loneliness and this sad state i'm in, I've decided to reach out more. There's only one other way to meet people, and I've been doing it wrong this whole time. 

Volunteering and joining meet up groups I think will help with this. I'm going to try this out. I've also started to reconsider what I consider "goals" for myself, and whether they are truly something of passion or just "for the moment bullshit". We'll see.

Maybe my life being a constant "schedule" is what's making me so dull for life. 

Oh and btw, I don't look for cute stuff anymore :[

I hate to think of this...but I might have grown out of it. I'm more interested in movies and fashion now. I hate it. Well, not really, but kind of. I mean there might still be hope for my continuous "kawaii" plushie collection but I'm really not sure. At least I still would sort of go to japan if I were given the chance.

Am I brainwashed?