Ahh yess Hello..

I never go on here anymore!
Oh well.
I've been soo much more relaxed lately and less stressed about what I do on my days off.
Figuring that I can't live on a day  to day basis and have to just have fun as a whole has really put things into perspective for me.
I don't hate my job by any means, but I think I enjoy time off and doing my own hobbies much more. However, stressing out about the time that I spend after I'm off from work is more tedious than just enjoying my time at work and being rewarded with time to myself afterwards. I'm so bad with words. I had it all mapped out a lot better in my head. Anyways, I'm just trying to say that I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. 
I feel like the fact that I've been in a relationship with a different person since I was really young has put so much more stress on my life. I think I was just getting really tired of that fact and wanted to stretch away from that. I finally have, though, and I feel so much better. ON the other hand, being without a relationship has always made me curious about being in others, with different people. But there's this immediate thought that comes to mind; it would be absolutely pointless to start liking someone else at this stage in my life because I'll be back to square one if I even decided I wanted to be with someone else.
So, yes there's some attractive people out there, but it's all just a distraction for me and my goals. I just have to start thinking about the situational fact being tempting enough for me to completely ruin my progress thus far. For now I'd rather stick to friendships. A minimum at that.
Anyways, I'm so proud of my sister because even though she works practically full time at her job, and cuts hair on the side, she's finally trying to put her own goals into perspective. It's so cute cause last night she scheduled a "meeting" and 12 am with her boyfriend in their room so that they could brainstorm this idea she has.
Her passion is cutting hair, and she's really good at it too. So, she wants to start her own business, and put this whole concept on wheels basically. She wants to have this mobile service where she brings her salon to other people. I think it's a pretty good idea and I think she'd do really well with that. But I was talking about it with her today and she said that it's been a dream of hers, and she really wants to pursue it even if she fails. Something about that I guess really inspired me. Up until this point I have just been "saying" I have goals and stuff but I haven't really attempted to pursue them. I feel like I haven't had any passion in my life lately. Almost like everything is dull. Like, nothing excites me anymore. I hate that I've become like that. It's made me dull and unexciting.
I need to get out of that funk. I feel like I'm starting to.

Why do I never have the hugest impulse to write what's going on with me? I have like no interest sometimes in even updating my life. I don't get how some people profile their lives 24/7 so that public interests can see what they're up to all the time. It's not like I wanna be like that, but it'd be cool to get more friends or followers and stuff. Updating my life every once in a while makes me feel nice though.
Anyways, my days off are like God's gift. I'm trying not to be too...stressful over how I spend the days, but sometimes I get upset when something I don't really want takes up my day. Like if I get stuck in a conversation and I'm just sitting in my bed like a lazy ass, looking up clothes and shoes and purses that I'm NEVER gonna buy (not only because I'm broke) but because I'll usually just forget.
Still though, looking up clothes sometimes actually helps me pick out awesome outfits so, whatevs. That's pretty useful I guess.
But today will be a good day! I'm going to be alone for the most part and...Zkyi just woke up and we've been hanging out all morning. He's so cute I can't believe he's 5 years old.
For those who actually read this from time to time, have a nice day! Sorry my blog is a little sketch rn.

Hello!

Haven't posted in several weeks. I thought about doing so a couple of times these past few days but for some reason I never got to it. Lol. Anyways, I'm so happy! Last week my two other sisters and little brother came to visit me. It's only been about....2-3 months since I moved from home but I missed them so much. Hearing about how my little brother couldn't wait to see me brought tears to my eyes so I knew that this trip of theirs would do a lot for me. And it did! I guess I reflected on how much I've changed since moving in such a short amount of time. I really feel as if I have changed and I like it. I still scare myself every now and then with money issues but I try not to let that stress me out too much. That's another thing I've been doing lately, is trying to manage my stress levels. Living in this city can be hard. There's lots of scary traffic and people that you run into. And yes having a minimum wage-ish job doesn't exactly put me at ease either but I'm getting there! I mean, I got promoted recently so my pay and hours should be going up by next week. Which is also something I'm really excited for. It's all been working out for me really well since I've moved here. Aside from the drama that I had been dealing with my relationships, I can safely say that I don't regret moving out here at all. I really like it. And I think that if I were to ever move back I'd be so bored!! hahahahaha
that's so funny to me.
Anyways, I'm currently stacking up files right now because I wanna make a post about all of the girly cute things that I wanna buy but might be afraid to (turning 21 makes me feel to old to buy cute stuff :< )

Jeez it's been such a long time since I've written much.

Welp, moving out here definitely changed a few things about me. Er at least my schedule is absolutely different from before. I'm not doing all that much, I hang out with people here and there but lately I've been less and less excited to be around others. I'm not sure what's going on with me. It's like I'm bored of everything. I hate feeling like that though. In my opinion when people say shit like that it makes me think that they're really shallow and annoyingly empty. God maybe I am like that though. I think that's my greatest fear. Thinking I could be like the most un-ideal person ever.
Anyway, I wish I could talk more about even more personal things but real people that know me read this blog and i just don't feel like spilling myself all over the place.
whatever.

OH MY GOSH
i'm gonna re do this blog cause I wanna make it really cool but also personal ish so as of now it's under construction when I get back home from work today

I feel like this new routine I'm going to try out might actually work. I really need to work on myself because right now I'm just really lost. I just can't believe my shit got all over the place I really don't know how this happened. But now I can get some alone time and just finally think clearly for a moment. I hate how I feel so sad within and my smile for other people just goes away in an instant. I hate how fake it can be..I also hate the great expense it's taking to even have alone time. The effect it has on the person I really do love..I'm so sorry

Lets go back 3 weeks, I'll make everything right. Let's go back a year and I'll make everything better.

Exhausted

I'm so worn out!! I've done nothing but run around for these past two days. But I've been having a lot of fun. Definitely surely, the roads here are much more stressful to drive on than the one's back at home. I miss everyone there...HAHA NOT.
This city is fucking great.

I feel elated

just three more days...and then I  can be out of here..and I can see Bryce almost everyday. I say almost because I'm moving in with my sister and she lives...kinda far from him lol. But yeah these are my last days !! ah I can't wait.

I"ve contained myself for the most part. I need to stop putting myself down. I can't tell others to believe in themselves when I can't even think of myself in that aspect. I need to stay true to myself, as much as I can. The reality is so much harsher than it seems...I wonder if someone could spit on me at this exact moment.

I'm being tested to the very highest degree at this point.
I must stay true to myself and concentrate.
I can't make a wrong move otherwise I'll shun myself for life.

Everything will be okay.
Caffeine makes everything more complicated. And shakey.

Also, if you think reading my blog posts will help you get to know me more then you are right but very sad. Very sad that you can't just talk to me about these issues directly rather than thinking that reading my posts is enough.

God but honestly I"m looking at my blog posts right now and I just seem like a sad sap lol. But hey! that's okay, I've been going through a somewhat rough time. Already though I feel like things are turning up. They're just gonna get better!!!

Okay okay...so basically I'm so razzled up right now

Everyone that I live with at home right now, my good friend, my ex boyfriend, my mom
they all think that me moving out to Vegas is like some desperate attempt to not be lonely or some shit
or like I don't really know what the fuck I'm doing
or like I'm not old enough to make my own decisions for myself
ooorrr like the fact that I'm basically fucking up my life

In reality, these people might be thinking that they're speaking "the truth" but honestly looking at all of their lives personally, they're all very afraid people in their walks of life. And It's bothering me hardcore that they're just like "Jess I just don't understand why you're doing this"

WHO THE FUCK CARES, IT'S MY DECISION AND WHY DOES IT EVEN INVOLVE YOU SECOND GUESSING THEM OR THINKING THAT YOU KNOW WHAT'S BETTER FOR ME, OR WHAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPIER


I understand where they're coming from. They care for me and they want the best for me. That's very nice and honestly I'd probably look out for one of them too. HOWEVER, I wouldn't make them feel bad or tell them how they live their lives if they decided to open up to me about their issues.

Several years ago, my life was shaken up on my own accord. I ran away from home twice and I was just doing some really dumb shit. Honestly, I'm so grateful for this big fuckup in my life because it taught me to take things more seriously and love and respect myself more. Since then my life has gotten significantly better. And though my last relationship was very rocky and all and I've still done some fucked up shit, I've grown. I can't say that everything in my life is perfect because it's not. But I hate hate hate how one of my good friends could even have the gall to say that my life has gone "downhill" since my phase.

Just
Please,
STOP

Why must it be you who gets to judge me and my life??? If you're so upset with the decisions I"m making then why don't you just say "TO HELL WITH HER" and get on with your life...why WHY do you have to include your unnecessary opinions in a decision that I've already made and am going through with.

It's just very contrasting, because the people that I'll live around more often don't have a bad thing to say to me. And maybe I have it all wrong and secretly everyone thinks that me moving is absolutely nuts but whatever, I really don't mind. I think that moving will make me very happy and I'm so excited to start my life with a really great person. And I just don't understand why people need to treat me like this...as though I'm so strange or just have everything all wrong.

I don't know, me ranting doesn't help any...and even while writing this I can agree that yeah I"m making some huge crazy decision but it's not a mistake and it won't be something I regret. I'm moving forward with this and those who are in my life that feel all sour about it just need to accept it. 

God I am honestly the worst piece of shit ever. I can't believe I ...ugh
What is wrong with me, seriously...?
I'm so fucking stupid.

Oh my god let me just add to the fact that for no reason I feel like complete shit and I blame it on homework.

Things are moving, alright!

So it turns out that I got the job I was applying for in Vegas. I'm so happy that I'll have at least something that I can lean on financially when I'm over there. I've also pretty much told my mom that I was moving out...her response was more along the lines of "well don't ever think about moving back in". I still don't know how to feel about this. I'll eventually figure it out. Sigh I guess that's about it.

Several things I will do

• Be positive
•  
•  
•  
•  
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Holy fuck I can't sleep

I swear to God if my car breaks down on the way to Vegas or somehow I don't get there then I'll know that it's a sign for something. But I won't give up so easily! I just HAVE to get there with more than enough time for my interview. And I'm so confident in myself, I mean work really helps me out a lot. I learn so much about what it's really all about to have a job. I just neeeed dthehe chaaaancee eplllssss donnnn't leeet meee dowwwnn..

GAHH I'm going crazy, though. I couldn't even sleep for a full 6 hours cause of my excitement keeping me up :3 Anyways, wish me luck! Or, wish for my car to break down in the middle of the road where I have no signal. God will really be laughing at me then. hahahahHAHA. That's hilarious.

The entirety of this album-

Hikaru Utada's "First Love" album just makes me so sad. I listened to this extensively like two years ago after being really heartbroken. This shit brought me through those times. And I would sing along all the time and I felt stronger after memorizing the Japanese and all. Man, this just brings me back to that time and place. I even smell and taste what it was like back then, living in that older house.

Also something inspired me today..

Today in my drawing and composition class we had to have the teacher review our drawing portfolios. She looked at mine and asked questions such as "how do you think  you've grown in  your drawings" and "Which of your drawings so far is your favorite/least favorite". I really enjoyed taking this class and if anything it inspired me to work on my art style more. I'm not terribly horrible, but some of the stuff I've made makes me proud and happy of what I can do. Even if it's not much. Anyway, I saw this cute video of a kitten enjoying itself in a little warm water bath. It was the cutest thing ever. I'm going to keep trying to draw this scene to make it look more cute but I drew this just a couple of minutes ago.

Yeah my drawings are super beginner style but if I keep working I know I'll get better. Anyways, have a nice day ~

Everything will just float on from here- or will it?

I've made one of the biggest decisions in my life so far by putting my two weeks in at my current job. I've been at this job for almost 3 years now and if you knew me well enough, you'd know that I  definitely ignored the risk and took the chance. See, I've always defaulted on having this job because it's been the only way that I know how to stay normal. I've been able to live off this job and for the past three years I've been depending on it. Before I couldn't fathom leaving it because it's really important to me that I depend less and less on others and more on myself. However, I've been convinced lately that a little help may not hurt so bad. In this sense, I could look past the risk and see myself happier down the road. It's so scary and in a ways I'm very stressed out, but at the same time I've never known a feeling like this. I feel like now that I won't have a job, (though there is a new job I hope to get that I have an interview for this week) I have to potential to live any way I'd like. At least until the money runs out lol. But I feel like this could push me towards something new, something better. And that in itself makes this all worth it. Now, I am just very worried currently about posting a few weeks in the future dreading this decision. But now that I've made it a point, I'll probably just avoid this situation at all costs, and make sure that I never have to feel such a way. I need this new job I might get. I mean, it'll be a different change of pace than what I'm used to. And what I'm used to is ...chaos -_- But I think I can do this new change!! I mean...it's retail and I've always wanted to get into that job field. I know I can adjust. I just need to be given the chance to prove myself!!

Waking up is hard sometimes

and today for no no no reason at all I woke up feeling poopy. I better not be at it again. I wish it weren't women who are known to want to talk about their feelings a lot. It makes me feel like I should just shut up and not say anything at all or just keep everything inside. But then I realize that I just can't do that and I'm like "well I guess it's cause I really am a woman" and then I hate myself. Blah blah blah stupid words. I need to try and get rid of all this bad energy. Startiiiinggg now as I commence the whole musics of Kings of Convenience.

I never post OOTDS!!!

And Careless day (the wonderful Tash) posts a lot of them. I've been truly inspired by her to display myself in that sense (thanks Tash c;)

 

Socks c: Um I'd name where I got everything but I really don't remember...heh..

 

My purity ring T-shirt. Got the bag at sanrio yay 

Okay these are actually literally the only one's I've taken lately. So I'll start taking more pretty soon. I've seen that my blog gets a lot of views so that's pretty cool thanks! I'll try and fill this thing up more.

adios

 

 

Sea and cake

It's a beautiful thing to be up this late. I wish I could just only be awake in the nighttime. It's so exhausting to be awake during the day. The sun makes me tired. The heat makes me tired. I wonder if moving to a rainy place like Oregon would help this. Probably not. I think my fatigue has more to do with my diet than anything else. It seems as though after eating certain foods I just want to take the longest naps. I'm not sure. But I do need to stay active if I want to feel good physically again.

Goodnight ~

Stressy stressy nu nu!!

HAHA it's funny but I'm very unmotivated right now to do homework or anything!!
How can I concentrate on this shit when I'm about to quit my job soon and leave the state to live with my dreamy boyfriend??
Like how do you expect me to do this. I kind of don't even want to go to school anymore! I had a dream about becoming a registered nurse and all but now I just want to live a happy life and start a family (in a few years or so)
I'm sure my opinions will change overtime and I'll wanna enroll myself into school once again. For the time being, though, I would rather focus on my personal life.
also/p.s.  fuck my current job

I have a perfect boyfriend c:
I'm so grateful

I'm tired. I'm bummed out. I wish there was someone to talk to. It's too early for this.

:(

How did today just have so much promise and then turn to shit in like 2 seconds?

Honestly, I've never felt this stressed before. I wanted to do my homework on my computer while I'm at school so that I can feel like I'm at least getting a little bit done, and I forget to bring my charger...

Today has just been so bad for me. God I just want to go home and lock myself in and hide until like forever.

Gah I wish I wasn't so nosy. I think I'd be better off not knowing some of the things I've found out about...things over the past couple of weeks. Most of the time it's not even me being nosy, I just find really dumb things by accident. I'm gonna stop. I've had it with feeling like this.

Being SENSITIVE SUCKS.
Being a BABY SUCKS.

why can't I just kick down doors and fucking not care about a goddamn thing.

HI!
I'm going to work all day and I'm buying doughnuts for all my co-workers. I hope this well get me out of being the subject of a serious talk that our GM will be having with us all today.
SUpposedley, I am not the subject of the issues that are to be discussed, but I'm sure my boss will throw me in there somehow with everyone else.

In other news, I'm in a financial crisis. I wish I could just make a fast 1,000 dollars. ....
That's stupid of me to think.

Anyway, wish me luck at work. I think I'll need it greatly.

It's been a beautiful day !

It really has been.
I haven't been this happy in a while. I don't know, something about these past couple of days has kept me going. I'm just really glad that everything is sound right now. Like nothing is wrong. At all.

Well there is one thing.
I got in a fight with my mom. Needless to say it was really frustrating, and I cried just like I always do when I feel trapped under my mom. I can't stand the way she treats me like I'm five sometimes. There's better ways to go about things. That's not how.
Anyways...she's just a means to an end as of now. I'm really just using this time in her house to save up for when I move to Las Vegas. Ah I beam everytime I think about how amazing my life will get once I move. And I get to see cute Bryce's face everyday in person and kiss him on the cheeks and touch his hair and smell him. God I can't wait to be a creep with him. c:

ANYWAYS. I just saw from up on poppy hill. It's a new movie from Ghibli films that got released in the US a few weeks ago in theatres.
It was so beautiful. The artwork was amazing, like always, and the story was actually really full and had a good conclusion and everything. In my opinion, I think it went at a good pace and wasn't boring at all. It may have been slow to others, but to me I loved it. There's this side story too that ties in with the main plot and it just made me really happy to be able to watch it. Idk, everything about it was great.
But yeah that's pretty much it.

Good after noon.

A sigh of relief finally ~!

Ahh...

I'm actually not stressed out for once.

I drew this picture of some still life stuff in art class today. Compared to all of the others mine looked so amateur, but I was still really happy with it. I kind of started to understand a little more about art. It's making me want to open up that outlet once more.

Anyway, I've had a day off from work and I should be off till the end of this week, but for once I'm not stressed about cramming activities in.
I mean, I have a lot to do, but it's not really getting me down.

This is great, I suppose.

There's just something that's bothering me.

I haven't felt much pain today or yesterday.

It's strange because on Monday I was at my lowest, and I peaked after that...
I'm just worried slightly, I guess..
I mean, what if that means this is always how it's going to come and go?

I don't know, before I used to be able to face any danger that I knew could potentially happen .
And then suddenly I became cowardly and couldn't stand up to anything taller than me.

Haha...
I used to think, "even if everyone died today, I could still roam this earth with a smile!!"
I used to be so confident just a couple of months ago.
I feel it a little now, coming back....I think I'm begining to win this fight.

Or I just stopped acting like a little bitch.
Either way, it's progress. Things like this happen. I was bound to fall eventually. But soon enough, I'm going to be myself again, the true person I've always wanted to be. Hopefully I don't hurt anyone this time. Don't mind me!!!
;]

I feel stable today..

And it's great. I can even see myself looking at the same thing that was daunting me before, but now being less afraid of it and understanding it more than ever.
This is mountains of greatness.

On the other hand, I really miss having more friends. I think that would be very beneficial to me if I could reach out a lot more and meet new people.
Also, there's this huge movie list that someone posted on IMDB that I really wanna follow through with and maybe add some more amazing movies to my list of loves.

I just wish this fear didn't exist anymore. All of the worrying I do everyday...I'm so scared of losing everything or just history repeating itself. I guess I do have anxiety, but I've never thought of personally dealing with this in my life ever so idk what to do about it?
It seems like every solution I come up with or strategy I try out never seems to work.
I've tried to distract myself, but it always just seems to make whatever it is that's "entertainment" just seem really pointless.
I've tried to be stronger but I always end up breaking down at some point and the more unfavorable side of me just takes over.
I've tried to be around other people and talk to them, but no matter what good advice I get I always end up crumbling and feeling the same shitty way again.

This is horrible..how did I get to be this way?
I never thought I'd hate myself again in my life.
Not like before.
But I do now, I just sometimes look at the way I react to things and I suddenly feel hatred all over again.

I think that no matter what the only thing that could ever possibly help would be myself.
I feel like I'm so stuck down deep in a hole that I just can't see what's above me clearly.
Like someday I'll look up and then I'll be able to finally realize that this whole time, I've been blind to my own happiness.
I know I'm not a hopeless case, so I know I can't lose hope in things getting better.

Still, though, this is getting harder everyday.

I hate it when I come up with these great solutions to my problems just as I'm about to fall asleep or drifting into sleep again. UGH. Like, what's the game plan again, jess? Idk, I came up with that shit years ago.
sigh
anyway, I'm a mess right now. I need to deal with myself.

::sigh::

I'm so impatient. I feel like everything depends on the end of this summer, when I move out with Bryce.

EEEK!! Just thinking about it now put me in a better mood.
I already have several movies that are basically like "we can only watch this together within zero feet of each other and without virtual help"
They're mostly like romantic ones but with really good stories. I think he'll enjoy them.
Ah, we're gonna play so many games and ...sleep together and cuddle together every night.
Maybe have sex ..like 1 time and that's it.
But I'll give him like 1.5 X 10 ^10 blowjobs.
I mean I wanna have lots and lots of sex but I think there's a lot of limitations





gRARAGHRArh!!@
I wanna have sex with him RIGHT now.


...
Anyways. Enough about my stupid sex drive.
Other than that, the beginning of this week has started out well.
I've started automatically asking myself when I problem arises,
"Are you gonna let this problem consume you?? Go ahead, let it consume your whole self, just get really really worked up about it"
And I sort of like work myself up like this, and tease myself and get really agitated with myself to the point that I'm just like "wow my problems and all my worries are pointless and there's no use in me getting worked up"
So in a way...idk, is that like using reverse psychology on myself? I think it is. I'm stupid enough to fall for it lol.
Wow, anyways....so yeah that and I'm off the drugs  now (tumblr jk who the fuck calsl that shit a drug)??

So I'm gonna think of much more productive things to do with my time..like HOMEWORK! or MASTURBATION.

God I start my period in several days, so I have to masturbate and get my fill as much before that happens. I'm not addicted I just really enjoy laying down and cumming.

Something that's been on my mind lately:

I love you so much.
I don't ever want to do something that would forever ruin our connection.
I feel like I'm fucking up, though, and I'm really scared.
When that side of me comes out crying, I can't just shut it up. It's so hard.
I hope you'll bear with me until I figure out a way to finally get rid of this side of me.
You're the greatest person I've ever met and I don't want to lose you.
I love you so much. 

This is very generic of me to say, but I don't care. I've never actually felt this way towards someone before. I've never tried to get rid of my tendencies the right way. I feel like life just keeps getting more real now that I'm with you. I love it, but there's just other things from before that won't leave me alone.
I just want to be stronger and I know I can be like that some day. Don't give up on me. I don't think you have, but still.

a really depressing post after not posting for a while

I've got this sick feeling in  my stomach that won't go away.
It's been there since last night.
I cried a little and I almost hoped someone would hear me and just come by and hug me.
Those hopes are pretty useless, nobody ever really comes by.

And see that's just it, my feeling sorry for myself has just become something to blame others for.
And I hate it but I don't know what to do about it.
I have this pathetic face on right now. I'm so disappointed in myself that I've let it go this far.
But I still don't know what to do. I'm just sitting here with pains in my stomach. About to cry again. Hoping that person will still come.

Just please say something for once that doesn't leave a decision to made up by me. 

I was having a really good day today.
And now I can't stop crying.
What's wrong with me?
I feel so lost.

*high pitched sounds*

It's FUCKING summer.
No just kidding it's like barely spring time but guess what?!

FUCKIN' 99 degrees over here man. It's hard being a girl in this heat. I can't fuckin' stand the trends going on this spring. Fucking neon colored shorts and shit. It makes me want to

 

(scream italian words for I hate neon shorts)

Pee-ew. It's just that neon pastel combos look really tacky. 

Trends are gay either way, but still. I'm stuck here like livin' in winter clothes (darker colors) and the sun just punches me in the mouth and tells me that I need to not. 

It's very hard to be a grill. 

I need to find other things to blog about. 

bye.

 

I have no idea what this time has brought me.

I can't remember anything anymore, again. I feel lost.
I don't know what's best for me, him, us. 
I feel like I'm regressing, and going back to the old, horrible person I used to be.

I want to be selfish and say that I'm just going to do what's best for me (so that I don't get hurt every time something small happens) but at the same time I know that it will lead me to make decisions that aren't really healthy. I'll start living for myself and never grow or learn how to overcome my personal issues.

It's kind of retarded, but I'm really only like this when it comes to really personal relationships. I do not act like this at all with other people. I'm really casual. It's way less extreme than this.

I don't know..I just don't want to become this crazy girl who always needs attention to feel complete.
But it's just fucking ANNOYING cause I don't need attention when I'm like actually single and I don't need another person there...
But at the same time, I'm really happy with our relationship...he makes me so happy. So I'm just really confused, AUGH.
I wish the answer would come to me really convenient, like.

Until then, I'm lost in limbo and can't stretch my legs or be myself, because I have this constant fear of what other bad things are going to happen again.
I wish I could talk to someone about this...but who would really care to listen to my petty problems. That's really what they are...
life was much simpler several months ago..I don't know why my heart keeps tricking itself. 

Also also

My friend and I went to ikea the other day! it was my first time but I decided to redecorate (a little) after getting some really cute stuff.

Hello--~~

It's been the longest time since I've really blogged. School and my personal life have taken the desire to write/ type/ vent to nothing but a ...whatever this is lol.

Anyways, lately I've been trying really hard to focus on my school work. My job is still the same, unfortunately..but when I get some more time in my schedule I really want to go job hunting and finally get out of the dump I'm in!

Other than that, I realized yesterday that I have a lot of stupid issues that I really really need to deal with more properly. I've let this whole shit go on too long, and I don't want to lose the person I love so much because of my stupid inability to act better when some shit goes down.

Also!! I really want to get more financially advanced! I want to check out maybe some books and shit to get myself prepared for the near financial dependent future.

I think some kisses from Bryce would make this whole week better...By kisses I mean..

 

Haha. I joke.jokeyejoke . 

OKay I need to finish my coffee and homework here we go lets do this!

*throwing up noises*

hi my name is stupid and I'm reminded each day how many more psychological problems I have than previously thouhgt.

I think I'm just going to forget my list of things to do and just hide under the covers all weekend.
That sounds like a great plan.

This weekend should be fairly nice!

I'm working throughout, but hopefully I can get to things like

• cleaning my room the way mom wants it lol
• finishing up my homework...which will take me more than the weekend to do
• hopefully play disgea and level up a few times
• make time to make myself food instead of wasting money on buying it
• research how the fuck do a supply and demand curve make some sense
• dentist appointment -_-

Annndd Bryce won't be available very much 
But I'll try to survive.
I GOT THIS.

Oh yeah and this is my current desktop wallpaper:

idk I think we make the cutest couple

Sometimes I just really think it'd be easier if I met my boyfriend where I live, er whatever.
Cause it's really hard when I know that he's there sometimes when I want to talk to him but not being able to look forward to see him everyday is just so frustrating and hard. And I end up feeling really lonely because I just feel like I'm missing out on being with him in person. and then it just makes me really sad. Idk. Today has just been a really weird day. Walking around the campus alone makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel very alone. Especially lately.

Back to reality

So this weekend I was able to fulfill my own wish and see Bryce.

Needless to say it was so much fun. I feel so happy with him..especially being next to him and kissing him.

It's funny because my boss (whom I really dislike) was able to make this happen for me. So it's just really weird because I'm grateful but at the same time I still dislike her because she's the worst boss ever and she still tries to be my friend only when it's convenient for her, but then is able to disown me as her employee when it's also convenient.
And I was hit hard with the two forms of treatment when I went back to work yesterday. That lady isn't ever gonna be happy and I feel like as long as I work for her I'm just gonna worry about doing my best (even though she doesn't deserve my best) no matter what.

So I'm just kind of stressed about that and I really want to leave that place already. I'm sure any other new job will be just as bad at some point, but at least it won't be with a person that tries to be my friend while yelling at me for stupid shit.

Also, Bryce's parents are offering me to stay with them...and idk I really want to do it but I'm also just kind of confused about what I'm going to do with my schooling now. So everything is really up in the air.
But if I got the opportunity, I would love to live with him and go to school and work. That would make my life so much better. I think I would really branch out (as a person) cause I wouldn't be so afraid of what my mom would think.
Yeah. my life is just sort of "blah" at the moment. But this weekend definitely made up for it. Even though I'm suffering like always from being away from Bryce. Gah he's just so cute idk what to do with myself.
I need to start my day already

It's been forever since I've even felt like writing anything. Mostly because when I'm going through stuff I usually just don't have the energy to even express myself.

Each day has its ups and downs. I don't always feel positive (like I've been striving to be) but in the end I usually just try my best to look forward to each day.

But today is Valentines day!! and even though Bryce and I ...can't really celebrate it..I guess we're like whatever you know what i don't even know but it's valentines so yeah.

HOPEFULLY though I can drive to Las Vegas to see him IF I get money this weekend. I'm soooo excited I really hope I'm able to do it.

IN OTHER NEWS this is what's been happening to me lately:

-I've already skipped two classes (I'm such a bad girl mraw)
-I got a new phone!
-Getting my new phone made me broke!
-I filed my taxes
-I've been drinking coffee in the early evenings instead of morning now
- oh yeah, and I got an interview at this fast food place I applied at so my horror days at work MIGHT be over.

Yeah, so not a lot, but I've noticed more and more viewers have been going on my page whaat am I pops (poopular)???

I'm really really sick of being upset and sad over really small things.

It's harder to stay positive when my heart just aches all the time.

I've said it before but I just need to stop blaming other things for my own "unhappiness" I'm the only one who has control over that, and to give it up to material things was not the right way to go.

I've gotten so lazy over the past couple of months and just really dependent on other things.
Even my boyfriend. And it's just not working out well for me like that. I keep putting these really dumb expectations up and I don't even realize what I'm doing until I think about how he's his own person and how he is capable of making his own decisions and all that but when it comes down to it, he really does love me and that's all that there is to it. And me just expecting people to read my mind is only contributing to my "sadness".
I've sort of given up on giving myself a gameplan er whatever. It doesn't really work that way anymore for some reason?? Because if I don't succeed I just

get down on myself and hate myself for saying things I couldn't hold up to.

I've become very less of a person these recent times. I'm unhappy with the results of my laziness.

It's definitely brought me down to lower lows than I remembered I could acheive.

Jesus what am I talkinga bout it's 2 am I should be in bed...with bryce..happpy 

I've noticed lately

That a lot of the people I talk to are really negative.

And I think that it's really  had an effect on me because I've been catching myself getting like that too.

Today I almost got upset over something really dumb and I tried to stop myself and just think positively and I thought to myself "I haven't said something positive like that to myself in a really long time" and idk it really made me think of how easily influenced I am. I really dislike it.

I'm gonna have to start pushing good thoughts in my head from now on and just ignore anything that's bad or makes me upset c:

Hooray!

Today has been a good day so far!


I'm not so sure why. I think school is just nice because my classes are easy to follow.
BUT BUT also I'm just excited for the future cause I have some money I'm gonna save and as soon as I get my tax refund I'm gonna put it towards my credit card and that'll basically relieve me of my huge payments. SO that'll let me save even more money and get my car fixed and when I do that I can see bryce all I want.

Also I have COFFEE and I'm doing homework right now so I'm basically just really happy in general and excited.

also also later on I'm going with my friend to eat olive garden and watch movies and fuvk that's gonna be fun and delicious

ahh

...
That's the sound of me feeling really relieved

And hoping the best for the future
and candles relaxing me as I study
and me figuring out a lot of things last night
and having enough time to do all the shit I gotta get done today

yes yes a new day brought gifts of hope yes yes 

AHHHH
I just feel really confused sometimes about my feelings and why I like to push people away so much and why I act really childish sometimes when at OTHER times I try to project myself as being MATURE or something.
And I'm really just

not.

I just can't clear my head no matter what I do. I'm not sure of what I want anymore. I'm only sure that I'm completely unsure.

Also...

I went candle shopping yesterday!

I kind of already used some of them up already but they're really nice.

It's been so long since I've posted!

But in the days I wasn't posting I was dealing with..

• School starting
• My computer breaking down on me
• Deleting everything from my computer so that I could completely restore it
• Working every single day 
• Being broke
• Not being broke by getting money from school
• Being broke again cause I had to put a lot of that money towards credit card
• Trying to control my "sex drive" 
• Confusing feelings about things

So yeah this week wasn't all too great but I love all of my classes cause my teachers actually teach relevant info and take roll and make me feel like I might learn something.
Also I have a lot of homework but it's the good kind of homework where I know exactly what to do.

Anyway, I'm gonna try really hard to keep my head up next week because yeah I've been acting like a poop head and I need to stop worrying about being poopy in the future and stuff.

On a more serious note..

Lately I've been going through lots of phases. By phases for me, that means I've been setting different goals for myself on a certain occasion and then upon others, I fail to act on those goals and set up new ones entirely.
I've also been trying to occupy my time a lot lately. I think this is due to the pressures of work (and soon to be school once again) making me think that I need to fit in time for leisurely activities otherwise I'll stress out. I've really been handling this worse than I should. I believe I mentioned in a previous post that I constantly stress out on what to do with my free time. This has become a big problem and burden for me because I am literally just pounding these thoughts into my head that I need to stay busy and such or that I need to stay busy being by not being busy. It sound ridiculous, but this is pretty much how it's been carrying out.
Usually when I identify a problem about myself I begin working on it immediately. However, lately I've been aware of this weird problem I have and yet I haven't really done much to stop it.
Now that I've taken the time to really contemplate this issue of mine, there's no way I'm going to let it slide this time. But still, it's just weird that I've taken my time solving this problem. I think I'm worn out, possibly. And I HATE thinking that it could even be a possibility. Worn out? From fucking what? I don't even do that much in a day. I don't know what my problem is.

I really think I've been in this funk lately that's detached me from myself. Sometimes when I try to get more in touch with myself it's just really hard to have clarity. My mind has been so clouded lately by the thought of my relationship, my job, my future. I guess one could say that those are things that can wear a person out.
BUT I'M ONLY 20. I haven't even started yet...
I'm not even CLOSE to being a millionaire :p
No but really. I need to stop being such a little bitch. I think a good solution would be to just spend a little more time outside. Usually just taking walks helps clear my mind.

The problem with that is...
I hate walking around my neighborhood...I really just
ugh these old people and these expectations I feel just walking outside my door
I feel pressure like
Oh there's the neighbor, I must wave at them in order to keep them and my mom's acquainted relationship as healthy and un-awkward as possible.
but..I don't wanna wave :[
I just wanna walk and keep my eyes on the sky and the trees...I just don't feel like seeing faces and pretending to be polite. That stuff has been unamusing lately.
But at the same time if I wish to avoid faces I have to walk around at night. And that's not the most convenient thing. 
Ew there I go sounding like a jaded 40 year old again, pretending to be annoyed with everything.

Anyway...I thought that writing about these issues I've been having lately would help me out and I already feel a bit better.
Jesus christ this blog thing was a really good idea.

I went SHOPPING

out of town and got the cutest stuff.

Uh okay so I got the green jacket (I've been looking for one for the LONGEST time) at H&M

It was like $50 but totally worth it. 

And the supercool sweater underneath was also from H&M for like $10 

The dress shirt thingy is ALSO from H&M for like $12!

and that mini sweater is from Forever c:

Kay this one's like my favorite cause the dress is something I've also been looking for..

It's from Forever as well. And this outfit just

 

ugh

 

I love it

 

Oh gosh and there's also this place called Cotton On (never heard of it before)

They had this really cute beanie and I walked around it all day like this looking 

like a dunce but that's okay

Oh yeah also this cute sweater from Forever on sale I love sales

 

Sorry for BLURRY pictures I just was so excited to show all of my neat shit

c:

Bleh!

So yesterday wasn't exactly the best day.
I've been dealing with so many personal issues

But today turned up a little bit! and I got some alone time to think about some things going on ..

ANYWAY
I got my laptop case in the other day and to say the least, it's adorable! I'm so happy with it c:

 

GEEE it's so cute!

 

And rooomy

 

I had been looking for the perfect case for my seriously perfect laptop. 

Rainebrooke was the website that actually had some pretty nice laptop cases. 

A lot of laptop cases are made for men (it seems) and they're really black and 

bulky and no.

Also,

I've been getting a few page views here and there so if you're actually reading this stuff

Then thank 

MY OUTFIT

The other night was killin'. Idk I just really liked it??

 

It's an h&m skirt with bunny silhouettes on it!

and and I paired it with this bright shirt and some leggings and boots

and viola a toilet appeared. 

I really need to get a better mirror to use other than my mother's bathroom heh

Bleurhgh

Is my current mood right now.
I had a really bad day at work yesterday but I'm trying not to let that change how I'm trying to think positively about it.

Also I hate how I over analyze things and can't relax sometimes.

Anyway, I'm trying to think of a good and positive thing to say about today...

I MADE a puppy pixel yay

It's been such a long day.
It's not even that anything is wrong or that anything in particular bothers me.

Well actually I can't say that.
There IS  something wrong.
I HATE my job. And the fact that I have a day off today only preps me for another day that I'm gonna hate. In turn I end up getting so worked up over what I'm gonna do on my day off.
I stress out because I never feel like I'm doing enough to get more out of my day.

What I despise even more is that before I even think about applying for a new job I'm filled with doubts.
Like,
-what if I can't find another job that will be as flexible with my school schedule
-what if the new job I find won't pay me as much as I receive with my new promotion

And honestly those are the only things that stop me. I'd love to have a new job with new people that don't know me as well and DON'T treat me like a piece of shit (like my boss)

But then at the same time, I'm even conflicted with that thought as well.
I don't even have it all that bad.
Some people have even worse jobs and are treated even worse. At least at my job there's a 50% chance my supervisor won't walk in and yell at me for no reason.

Ugh idk I'm really debating a lot of things. I don't know whether to just suck it up
or to confront my supervisor and tell her to stop being a bitch in the most serious way possible.

Or to just leave the place. I actually really like what I do. It's a lot of fun handling cash and doing paperwork and running around at the same time. I just really hate the way I'm treated half the time.

What I usually wear on a daily basis:

yay I finally have a blog that I can put my outfits in and get more ideas as to what to wear!

 

I'm not a very fancy person

 

I love socks a lot

 

And my winged strawberry necklace *wow*