I have a perfect boyfriend c:
I'm so grateful

I'm tired. I'm bummed out. I wish there was someone to talk to. It's too early for this.

:(

How did today just have so much promise and then turn to shit in like 2 seconds?

Honestly, I've never felt this stressed before. I wanted to do my homework on my computer while I'm at school so that I can feel like I'm at least getting a little bit done, and I forget to bring my charger...

Today has just been so bad for me. God I just want to go home and lock myself in and hide until like forever.

Gah I wish I wasn't so nosy. I think I'd be better off not knowing some of the things I've found out about...things over the past couple of weeks. Most of the time it's not even me being nosy, I just find really dumb things by accident. I'm gonna stop. I've had it with feeling like this.

Being SENSITIVE SUCKS.
Being a BABY SUCKS.

why can't I just kick down doors and fucking not care about a goddamn thing.

HI!
I'm going to work all day and I'm buying doughnuts for all my co-workers. I hope this well get me out of being the subject of a serious talk that our GM will be having with us all today.
SUpposedley, I am not the subject of the issues that are to be discussed, but I'm sure my boss will throw me in there somehow with everyone else.

In other news, I'm in a financial crisis. I wish I could just make a fast 1,000 dollars. ....
That's stupid of me to think.

Anyway, wish me luck at work. I think I'll need it greatly.

It's been a beautiful day !

It really has been.
I haven't been this happy in a while. I don't know, something about these past couple of days has kept me going. I'm just really glad that everything is sound right now. Like nothing is wrong. At all.

Well there is one thing.
I got in a fight with my mom. Needless to say it was really frustrating, and I cried just like I always do when I feel trapped under my mom. I can't stand the way she treats me like I'm five sometimes. There's better ways to go about things. That's not how.
Anyways...she's just a means to an end as of now. I'm really just using this time in her house to save up for when I move to Las Vegas. Ah I beam everytime I think about how amazing my life will get once I move. And I get to see cute Bryce's face everyday in person and kiss him on the cheeks and touch his hair and smell him. God I can't wait to be a creep with him. c:

ANYWAYS. I just saw from up on poppy hill. It's a new movie from Ghibli films that got released in the US a few weeks ago in theatres.
It was so beautiful. The artwork was amazing, like always, and the story was actually really full and had a good conclusion and everything. In my opinion, I think it went at a good pace and wasn't boring at all. It may have been slow to others, but to me I loved it. There's this side story too that ties in with the main plot and it just made me really happy to be able to watch it. Idk, everything about it was great.
But yeah that's pretty much it.

Good after noon.

A sigh of relief finally ~!

Ahh...

I'm actually not stressed out for once.

I drew this picture of some still life stuff in art class today. Compared to all of the others mine looked so amateur, but I was still really happy with it. I kind of started to understand a little more about art. It's making me want to open up that outlet once more.

Anyway, I've had a day off from work and I should be off till the end of this week, but for once I'm not stressed about cramming activities in.
I mean, I have a lot to do, but it's not really getting me down.

This is great, I suppose.

There's just something that's bothering me.

I haven't felt much pain today or yesterday.

It's strange because on Monday I was at my lowest, and I peaked after that...
I'm just worried slightly, I guess..
I mean, what if that means this is always how it's going to come and go?

I don't know, before I used to be able to face any danger that I knew could potentially happen .
And then suddenly I became cowardly and couldn't stand up to anything taller than me.

Haha...
I used to think, "even if everyone died today, I could still roam this earth with a smile!!"
I used to be so confident just a couple of months ago.
I feel it a little now, coming back....I think I'm begining to win this fight.

Or I just stopped acting like a little bitch.
Either way, it's progress. Things like this happen. I was bound to fall eventually. But soon enough, I'm going to be myself again, the true person I've always wanted to be. Hopefully I don't hurt anyone this time. Don't mind me!!!
;]

I feel stable today..

And it's great. I can even see myself looking at the same thing that was daunting me before, but now being less afraid of it and understanding it more than ever.
This is mountains of greatness.

On the other hand, I really miss having more friends. I think that would be very beneficial to me if I could reach out a lot more and meet new people.
Also, there's this huge movie list that someone posted on IMDB that I really wanna follow through with and maybe add some more amazing movies to my list of loves.

I just wish this fear didn't exist anymore. All of the worrying I do everyday...I'm so scared of losing everything or just history repeating itself. I guess I do have anxiety, but I've never thought of personally dealing with this in my life ever so idk what to do about it?
It seems like every solution I come up with or strategy I try out never seems to work.
I've tried to distract myself, but it always just seems to make whatever it is that's "entertainment" just seem really pointless.
I've tried to be stronger but I always end up breaking down at some point and the more unfavorable side of me just takes over.
I've tried to be around other people and talk to them, but no matter what good advice I get I always end up crumbling and feeling the same shitty way again.

This is horrible..how did I get to be this way?
I never thought I'd hate myself again in my life.
Not like before.
But I do now, I just sometimes look at the way I react to things and I suddenly feel hatred all over again.

I think that no matter what the only thing that could ever possibly help would be myself.
I feel like I'm so stuck down deep in a hole that I just can't see what's above me clearly.
Like someday I'll look up and then I'll be able to finally realize that this whole time, I've been blind to my own happiness.
I know I'm not a hopeless case, so I know I can't lose hope in things getting better.

Still, though, this is getting harder everyday.

I hate it when I come up with these great solutions to my problems just as I'm about to fall asleep or drifting into sleep again. UGH. Like, what's the game plan again, jess? Idk, I came up with that shit years ago.
sigh
anyway, I'm a mess right now. I need to deal with myself.

::sigh::

I'm so impatient. I feel like everything depends on the end of this summer, when I move out with Bryce.

EEEK!! Just thinking about it now put me in a better mood.
I already have several movies that are basically like "we can only watch this together within zero feet of each other and without virtual help"
They're mostly like romantic ones but with really good stories. I think he'll enjoy them.
Ah, we're gonna play so many games and ...sleep together and cuddle together every night.
Maybe have sex ..like 1 time and that's it.
But I'll give him like 1.5 X 10 ^10 blowjobs.
I mean I wanna have lots and lots of sex but I think there's a lot of limitations





gRARAGHRArh!!@
I wanna have sex with him RIGHT now.


...
Anyways. Enough about my stupid sex drive.
Other than that, the beginning of this week has started out well.
I've started automatically asking myself when I problem arises,
"Are you gonna let this problem consume you?? Go ahead, let it consume your whole self, just get really really worked up about it"
And I sort of like work myself up like this, and tease myself and get really agitated with myself to the point that I'm just like "wow my problems and all my worries are pointless and there's no use in me getting worked up"
So in a way...idk, is that like using reverse psychology on myself? I think it is. I'm stupid enough to fall for it lol.
Wow, anyways....so yeah that and I'm off the drugs  now (tumblr jk who the fuck calsl that shit a drug)??

So I'm gonna think of much more productive things to do with my time..like HOMEWORK! or MASTURBATION.

God I start my period in several days, so I have to masturbate and get my fill as much before that happens. I'm not addicted I just really enjoy laying down and cumming.

Something that's been on my mind lately:

I love you so much.
I don't ever want to do something that would forever ruin our connection.
I feel like I'm fucking up, though, and I'm really scared.
When that side of me comes out crying, I can't just shut it up. It's so hard.
I hope you'll bear with me until I figure out a way to finally get rid of this side of me.
You're the greatest person I've ever met and I don't want to lose you.
I love you so much. 

This is very generic of me to say, but I don't care. I've never actually felt this way towards someone before. I've never tried to get rid of my tendencies the right way. I feel like life just keeps getting more real now that I'm with you. I love it, but there's just other things from before that won't leave me alone.
I just want to be stronger and I know I can be like that some day. Don't give up on me. I don't think you have, but still.