a really depressing post after not posting for a while

I've got this sick feeling in  my stomach that won't go away.
It's been there since last night.
I cried a little and I almost hoped someone would hear me and just come by and hug me.
Those hopes are pretty useless, nobody ever really comes by.

And see that's just it, my feeling sorry for myself has just become something to blame others for.
And I hate it but I don't know what to do about it.
I have this pathetic face on right now. I'm so disappointed in myself that I've let it go this far.
But I still don't know what to do. I'm just sitting here with pains in my stomach. About to cry again. Hoping that person will still come.

Just please say something for once that doesn't leave a decision to made up by me. 

I was having a really good day today.
And now I can't stop crying.
What's wrong with me?
I feel so lost.

*high pitched sounds*

It's FUCKING summer.
No just kidding it's like barely spring time but guess what?!

FUCKIN' 99 degrees over here man. It's hard being a girl in this heat. I can't fuckin' stand the trends going on this spring. Fucking neon colored shorts and shit. It makes me want to

 

(scream italian words for I hate neon shorts)

Pee-ew. It's just that neon pastel combos look really tacky. 

Trends are gay either way, but still. I'm stuck here like livin' in winter clothes (darker colors) and the sun just punches me in the mouth and tells me that I need to not. 

It's very hard to be a grill. 

I need to find other things to blog about. 

bye.

 

I have no idea what this time has brought me.

I can't remember anything anymore, again. I feel lost.
I don't know what's best for me, him, us. 
I feel like I'm regressing, and going back to the old, horrible person I used to be.

I want to be selfish and say that I'm just going to do what's best for me (so that I don't get hurt every time something small happens) but at the same time I know that it will lead me to make decisions that aren't really healthy. I'll start living for myself and never grow or learn how to overcome my personal issues.

It's kind of retarded, but I'm really only like this when it comes to really personal relationships. I do not act like this at all with other people. I'm really casual. It's way less extreme than this.

I don't know..I just don't want to become this crazy girl who always needs attention to feel complete.
But it's just fucking ANNOYING cause I don't need attention when I'm like actually single and I don't need another person there...
But at the same time, I'm really happy with our relationship...he makes me so happy. So I'm just really confused, AUGH.
I wish the answer would come to me really convenient, like.

Until then, I'm lost in limbo and can't stretch my legs or be myself, because I have this constant fear of what other bad things are going to happen again.
I wish I could talk to someone about this...but who would really care to listen to my petty problems. That's really what they are...
life was much simpler several months ago..I don't know why my heart keeps tricking itself. 

Also also

My friend and I went to ikea the other day! it was my first time but I decided to redecorate (a little) after getting some really cute stuff.

Hello--~~

It's been the longest time since I've really blogged. School and my personal life have taken the desire to write/ type/ vent to nothing but a ...whatever this is lol.

Anyways, lately I've been trying really hard to focus on my school work. My job is still the same, unfortunately..but when I get some more time in my schedule I really want to go job hunting and finally get out of the dump I'm in!

Other than that, I realized yesterday that I have a lot of stupid issues that I really really need to deal with more properly. I've let this whole shit go on too long, and I don't want to lose the person I love so much because of my stupid inability to act better when some shit goes down.

Also!! I really want to get more financially advanced! I want to check out maybe some books and shit to get myself prepared for the near financial dependent future.

I think some kisses from Bryce would make this whole week better...By kisses I mean..

 

Haha. I joke.jokeyejoke . 

OKay I need to finish my coffee and homework here we go lets do this!