I have really changed since I started this old blog. I'm a lot more realistic about life and all. Not saying that it means that I'm not having anymore fun...but I'm just trying to come to the realization that life isn't just going to hand me things all the time. I have to actually reach out and touch something. 

I keep reading my old posts and wondering why it feels like I just talked a lot of bull and didn't actually do anything I had hoped for. It's like I don't actually even know myself. But I guess that's okay. I'm not a genius, nor do I know everything about myself. Not now or ever before. Haha, I think there will always be a lot of stuff about myself that I don't know. 

Lately I've been feeling extreme lonliness and somewhat of a melancholic feeling outside of my brief social life. When I'm alone, I still find pleasure in small things that I do by myself. But lately I've felt that everything I do is useless, and a waste. I don't like this feeling but it just seems that everything right now is meaningless to me. I would rather be the type of person who has extreme feelings for everything, even those that seem useless. But for some reason I can't become excited about anything anymore. Whether it's the thought of going out, being with my boyfriend, or even eating. 

It's funny how sometimes when I wonder if this stage in my life is useless too. But I think at some point I'll be over this..maybe. 

Sometimes I have glimmers of excitement when I think about doing certain things. Like, real excitement that I feel in my brain and heart at the same time. And I instantly want to go do that thing. 

Anyways, in order to cure my loneliness and this sad state i'm in, I've decided to reach out more. There's only one other way to meet people, and I've been doing it wrong this whole time. 

Volunteering and joining meet up groups I think will help with this. I'm going to try this out. I've also started to reconsider what I consider "goals" for myself, and whether they are truly something of passion or just "for the moment bullshit". We'll see.

Maybe my life being a constant "schedule" is what's making me so dull for life. 

Oh and btw, I don't look for cute stuff anymore :[

I hate to think of this...but I might have grown out of it. I'm more interested in movies and fashion now. I hate it. Well, not really, but kind of. I mean there might still be hope for my continuous "kawaii" plushie collection but I'm really not sure. At least I still would sort of go to japan if I were given the chance.

Am I brainwashed?