Lately I've been going through lots of phases. By phases for me, that means I've been setting different goals for myself on a certain occasion and then upon others, I fail to act on those goals and set up new ones entirely.
I've also been trying to occupy my time a lot lately. I think this is due to the pressures of work (and soon to be school once again) making me think that I need to fit in time for leisurely activities otherwise I'll stress out. I've really been handling this worse than I should. I believe I mentioned in a previous post that I constantly stress out on what to do with my free time. This has become a big problem and burden for me because I am literally just pounding these thoughts into my head that I need to stay busy and such or that I need to stay busy being by not being busy. It sound ridiculous, but this is pretty much how it's been carrying out.
Usually when I identify a problem about myself I begin working on it immediately. However, lately I've been aware of this weird problem I have and yet I haven't really done much to stop it.
Now that I've taken the time to really contemplate this issue of mine, there's no way I'm going to let it slide this time. But still, it's just weird that I've taken my time solving this problem. I think I'm worn out, possibly. And I HATE thinking that it could even be a possibility. Worn out? From fucking what? I don't even do that much in a day. I don't know what my problem is.
I really think I've been in this funk lately that's detached me from myself. Sometimes when I try to get more in touch with myself it's just really hard to have clarity. My mind has been so clouded lately by the thought of my relationship, my job, my future. I guess one could say that those are things that can wear a person out.
BUT I'M ONLY 20. I haven't even started yet...
I'm not even CLOSE to being a millionaire :p
No but really. I need to stop being such a little bitch. I think a good solution would be to just spend a little more time outside. Usually just taking walks helps clear my mind.
The problem with that is...
I hate walking around my neighborhood...I really just
ugh these old people and these expectations I feel just walking outside my door
I feel pressure like
Oh there's the neighbor, I must wave at them in order to keep them and my mom's acquainted relationship as healthy and un-awkward as possible.
but..I don't wanna wave :[
I just wanna walk and keep my eyes on the sky and the trees...I just don't feel like seeing faces and pretending to be polite. That stuff has been unamusing lately.
But at the same time if I wish to avoid faces I have to walk around at night. And that's not the most convenient thing.
Ew there I go sounding like a jaded 40 year old again, pretending to be annoyed with everything.
Anyway...I thought that writing about these issues I've been having lately would help me out and I already feel a bit better.
Jesus christ this blog thing was a really good idea.
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